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I'm About To Move My 88 Year Old Husband Into A Memory Care Facility, And I Have No Idea How Or What To Tell Him. Any Thoughts?

A myALZteam Member asked a question 💭
posted July 5
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A myALZteam Member

You have two choices. Tell him which may create tension and he may or may not remember or do as I did and just toke her there on move in day. Both are not ideal. The staff needs to be ready to accept him with much attention. The first place I placed my wife was not prepared and it went horrible to all. The second place she went to was outstanding because they read her bio and knew what professionals know. Remember there is no set rules on this and it does fall on you, which at this point you know. It's going to be a tough day either way.

posted July 6
A myALZteam Member

I told my wife when was happening and explained that I could no longer give her the care she needed at home. I was blessed with a wonderful care home. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

posted July 6
A myALZteam Member

I think it depends a lot on the cognitive state of your husband. But I think in any event the cooperation of the staff at the Facility is very important.
I think it is most difficult if he actually understands the move. I guess in that case you would explain the reasons and do your best to convince him that it is best for both of you. Maybe let him think it is temporary and you will be there often. Have the staff introduce him to other residents and work to draw his focus away from the move.
I didn’t realize it beforehand, but I didn’t face as difficult a situation. I got my wife’s room ready with furniture she would recognize and had been comfortable in. I met with the director and staff to discuss my wife’s personality and interests. We all agreed on a plan where I would bring her and stay til they got her redirected to some crafts and other residents. Then when she seemed comfortable I would gradually move away out of her sight and leave. They recommended I not come back for 2 weeks. I couldn’t stand that long but I did stay away for 2-3 days. I called the nurses station 3-4 times a day. To my surprise she was fine. I think I realized then that she was much less cognizant of reality than I knew.
She has been there 3 years now and she seems content, certainly not unhappy. I visit often. I take her out for lunch and getting her hair and nails done.
So in retrospect, it was one of the worst days of my life. But really, it was not that disturbing to her.
Good luck.

posted July 6
A myALZteam Member

Smbw: good ideas for you, keeping you and your husband in my prayers. My mom wasn't in memory care, she went into assisted living care because of falling . It was o.k. at first, then she thought she didn't have a reason to be there.

posted July 13
A myALZteam Member

A lot of good ideas here. It has been 10 months now since my husband has been in SNF. It has been and still is a difficult situation. I know this is the best placement for both of us, but the separation is tough!

posted July 8

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