Watching someone you love cope with Alzheimer’s or dementia can be extremely difficult. Once their memory is fading, you may not know what to say. Whether you’re trying to talk to someone with Alzheimer’s during phone calls or you’re with them in person, it’s a good idea to have some conversation starters at the ready.

Here are some tips that can help you get the conversation going so you and your loved one can enjoy a chat with one another.

What Makes Conversations Hard With Alzheimer’s

Having a conversation with someone who’s living with Alzheimer’s can be hard for several reasons.

People living with Alzheimer’s may struggle with language. They can say one word when they mean another, have trouble finding any words at all, or repeat themselves. When they can’t communicate with you, they may act out in ways that allow them to express their frustration by other means.

Your loved one’s memory loss may mean that you have to repeat conversations as well. This can be hard for caregivers. “I find it very testing when we have the same conversations over and over,” one myALZteam member said.

Additionally, people living with Alzheimer’s may have problems with their vision or hearing. This can also make communication harder than it was before. If they can’t hear you, they may miss things you say. If they can’t see you, it can be hard for them to pick up contextual clues like body language when you’re talking with them.

One myALZteam member shared, “My husband who has Alzheimer’s is very hard of hearing and doesn’t join in on conversations.” If you can address issues like these with a healthcare provider, it may make conversation a little easier.

All of these factors can combine in different ways to make it difficult to have effective communication with someone who is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Even if you deeply want to hear them, crossing that gap can be hard.

Conversation Starters for Someone With Alzheimer’s

Communicating is an important activity for people with Alzheimer’s disease. It can help them keep their relationships strong, remember who they are, maintain their quality of life, and have a sense of emotional well-being in the world.

Before you try to start a conversation, do your best to make sure your loved one is in a good place to try to talk. If they’re more lucid at certain times of day, make sure to converse during one of those. Keep the location as quiet and as calm as possible. Do your best to meet their needs before you start. They should be fed and hydrated, any pain should be dealt with, etc.

Take some time to get yourself ready, too. Think about how you might feel if you struggled to communicate verbally. Make sure you have enough time to be with them and can slow down to let the conversation occur naturally. Have open-ended questions ready to go before you start.

Once everyone is ready, it’s time to try to have a conversation. Here are some ideas for questions you can ask if you’re not sure how to get started.

Questions About Their Past

Sometimes, people with Alzheimer’s remember the past better than they do the present or even the recent past. Encouraging people to talk about their past experiences can help as conversation starters, and you might learn something about them or your family history along the way.

Asking more specific questions may help focus the conversation in a particular direction by evoking the memories you want to hear about. Some questions you can ask are:

1. What holiday traditions were your favorite when you were growing up?
2. Can you tell me what you did for fun when you were a kid?
3. How did you meet your significant other?
4. What’s your favorite kind of music? Why do you like it?
5. Who is your favorite actor/actress?
6. What were your proudest moments?
7. When were you the happiest you’ve ever been?
8. What are you the most grateful for?
9. Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

You can come up with your own questions if you know more details or specifics about their life.

Questions About Experiences You’ve Shared

If there are things you’ve done with the person you’re conversing with, you can try starting a conversation about those. Similarly, if you know that you’ve both done similar things (like traveling), you can ask about those. Some ideas for questions about shared experiences include:

1. What did you like about (travel destination) the most?
2. I love my (type of pet). What did you love doing with your (type of pet)?
3. What’s your favorite way to travel?
4. I remember watching (movie title) with you. What did you like about it?

You can also create shared experiences in the moment and then talk about them. For instance, you could bring in a piece of art or music that you think they’ll enjoy, then ask them:

1. What’s your favorite thing about (whatever you brought in)?
2. How does (whatever you brought in) make you feel right now?
3. Does what I brought in make you think of another (piece of art/piece of music/etc.)? Which one? Why?

Questions About the Present

If you’re trying to have a conversation with a person living with Alzheimer’s who you don’t know well, it can help to ask them some questions about who they are and how they feel about things right now. Some ideas include:

1. I’m looking at my garden. Do you like to garden? Have you ever had a garden?
2. What’s your favorite thing to do these days?
3. Do you have a pet right now? Can you tell me about them?
4. Is there anyone you like to talk to these days? Can you tell me about them?

Questions like this can help you know your loved one’s current life better. Even if all the answers aren’t completely accurate, they can help you know what they like, what they want, and what might make them happy.

Tips for Communicating With Someone With Alzheimer’s

There’s no way to guarantee that every conversation with your family member will go well, but you can make these chats smoother. Use these tips to have meaningful conversations:

• Share your experience first — This can be brief, but it can help get things started. For instance, talk about your favorite pet before asking about theirs.
• Use your senses — Describe the way things felt, tasted, smelled, etc., and make eye contact while doing so. This can help draw the other person into your story and might bring up memories for them, too.
• Let the conversation move slowly — If your loved one needs time to process or get the words out, give them that. You may also want to speak slowly.
• Don’t focus on what they can’t remember — People with Alzheimer’s may lose parts of a memory at different times. If they can’t remember, it’s OK. Focus on what’s still there.
• Respect them as adults — You’ll want to be clear and use simple sentences, but still communicate that you value what they have to say. Try not to talk to your loved one as you’d speak to a child.

Talk With Others Who Understand

On myALZteam, the social network for people with Alzheimer’s and their loved ones, members come together to ask questions, give advice, and share their stories with others who understand life with Alzheimer’s.

Have you tried to start a conversation with someone diagnosed with Alzheimer’s? What are your favorite questions to ask to get that started? Share your experience in the comments below, or start a conversation by posting on your Activities page.