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Does anyone have suggestions for helping my father with ALZ realize for the 5th time that my mother has died?

A myALZteam Member asked a question in Loved Ones group 💭
West Palm Beach, FL

My mother died a month ago. She and my father were married for 60 years. We took him to the hospital, to the hospice care center and to the funeral home. We even involved him in picking out an urn. A photo of her etched in glass and a small urn are in his apartment at his ALF. Unfortunately, he does not remember any of this because it is a recent memory. In the month that she has been gone, he has asked were she is no less than 4 times. Each time I tell him that mom has passed and show him the… read more

August 13
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myALZteam

First, so sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the incredibly painful loop you and your father are caught in. This is one of the hardest situations a caregiver can face, and your feelings are completely valid.

There is actually a gentle middle ground between a hard truth and an outright lie — sometimes called Show Full Answer

First, so sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the incredibly painful loop you and your father are caught in. This is one of the hardest situations a caregiver can face, and your feelings are completely valid.

There is actually a gentle middle ground between a hard truth and an outright lie — sometimes called "therapeutic fibbing." It means offering a comforting response that meets your father emotionally without causing repeated grief. A myALZteam member shared a beautiful example of this approach when their loved one asked about someone who had passed — they said they had seen that person earlier and that they wanted them to know how much they were loved.

This kind of response:
- Avoids triggering fresh grief each time
- Still honors the love your father has for your mother
- Redirects the conversation toward warmth rather than loss After offering that comforting response, try gently steering the conversation toward a happy shared memory — a trip they took, a song they loved, or something that makes him smile. Distraction through positive memories can be a powerful tool.

Keeping a consistent daily routine can also help reduce moments of confusion and distress overall. It's also worth speaking with his care team at the ALF. They may have strategies tailored specifically to him, and can help reinforce whatever approach feels right for your family.

Please also remember to take care of yourself through this. You are grieving too, and that matters deeply.

August 13
A myALZteam Member

I was taught (I worked in memory care as well as now having a LO with dementia) not to tell them someone has passed away, just to go with it and make an excuse, like oh they're coming later, they're coming tomorrow, etc. The idea is that telling them will only cause them trauma and be argumentative. That's my two cents. I have not told my LO his oldest friend has died nor his niece.

September 6
A myALZteam Member

My husband's Dad died 35+ years ago and Mom died 10+....he asked sometimes have I spoke to his parents lately..I just reply both your parent and my parents passed away years ago...
he looks at me with a blank look then says "Oh, Ok." and then continues whatever he was doing...or says wow I can't remember anything anymore...doesn't ever seem upset.
I guess everyone is different with this disease...
.

August 16
A myALZteam Member

My husband is always talking about his older sister,his parents, and my parents who have been gone for many years. No, I don’t consider it a lie. I tell them they went home. We lost our oldest son in April and he will look at the chair next to him and ask where Ronnie went. It breaks my heart.

1 day ago
A myALZteam Member

Please don’t consider it a lie…you can say she will be back later…seeing your loved one grieve again is heartbreaking..my
Mom would say she wanted to go home…instead of saying you are home..I would say ok but could we go a little later bc I’m tired…or if it night I would say driving in the night is hard,,,could we wait till morning…it would work most of the time.
It’s a hard road to travel.

3 days ago

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