My mom tells me, while I'm at work, my Pops gets very mean and verbal with her and that he has threatened to hurt himself. When I'm home I don't see any signs nor have I witnessed anything more than him raising his voice at her and that's usually when she's not paying attention to him. (She is constantly on her tablet). She's also told me that he acted like he was going to hit her. I can't ask him if he's doing these things she's telling me, and I can't tell her she's lying (which she's been… read more
Almost daily occurrence for me and yet if someone calls and (2 metres apart) she chats standing on the front porch you wouldn't believe there was anything wrong with her at all. They call it Hostessing and that is what she becomes - the perfect hostess. Until the door shuts that is.
I don't know if they can actually control themselves around different people or if it's more that they are just like us reactive to different people in different ways.
When my daughters or outside people come over, my father can be just as sweet and quiet, and right after they leave he's mad & expresses himself because I won't do what he wants me to do. Sometimes I wonder if people don't think I'm the one with the problem.
My mother hit a resident & had verbal arguments with her three weeks ago. Also hygiene is challenge. I asked the CNAs to tell her I was picking her up to go on an outing & she needed to be "fresh". It worked & she was showered. I did pick her up & took her to the Texas Aquarium for 1 1/2 hours during the middle of the week when it was very slow.
I volunteer there so know the slow times. While we were there I noticed she had to pee frequently-4 times in the 1 1/2 hour. I asked the nurse to obtain a urine sample suspecting a UTI. Bingo! she did have a UTI & we called the MD & she was put on antibiotics. It cleared up & her behavior returned to her baseline.
She was also mean & hurtful to mean that day.
UTI's play real havoc with the elderly & especially with dementia/Alzheimer elderly.
I hope this helps.
I too get frustrated & hurt when my mother lashes out at me.
I am the primary caregiver for her. My two younger brothers have not seen her for 2 years now. She is in a Memory unit now which allows some freedom for me & hubby.
I still take care of all her medical care; finances, etc. & am on call 24/7 for the nurses.
Prayers for all of you!
I have a similar problem, where he can be verbally abusive and threaten violence. but the violence has never come to fruition because I threaten to leave the house. I have been told that if the threat becomes real, I am to leave the house as I would 'be at risk', and phone a helpline that I have. Both my sons know what he is really like, so I don't have your problem. But in a way I can empathise with your Mom inasmuch as many people don't realise there are two 'victims' here. Both have their lives disrupted by illness, Pops is probably in a world not of his making, and Mom doesn't have the life she was possibly looking forward to.. Also, put yourself I your Moms position. Suddenly hubby is getting all the attention and sympathy, whilst her efforts go almost unrecognised, she has lost the man she married, and so much more. So she escapes into her tablet? Try to encourage a social life, meeting with friends, go on excursions. Things they can do together because at the moment they are working further and further apart without knowing it?
I think it depends on their level of comfort. My mom is talkative and happy when she is at home with me. When she goes to visit her other children she is VERY QUIET or sleeps a lot. I suggest to them that they engage her in conversation, she was a teacher for many years so although she can't remember details or people she can have a discussion on child behaviors and loves talking about helping kids learn. When she is sad I make up a story of a child that needs help and ask for her guidance and she can go on and on. It helps her from staying inside her own head.
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