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How Do You Help Your Spouse Understand Your Caregiver Stress And Demands?

How Do You Help Your Spouse Understand Your Caregiver Stress And Demands?

My husband is really good with my Mum (83); he makes her laugh, sometimes takes over in answering the every-other-minute repetitive questions and now travels with me once a year to my parents’ winter home so we can take Mum away for a few days to give my Dad a break. I am very grateful for this help. However, this time, he got very frustrated with me for “trying to over-control everything” and I am pretty angry at the lack of empathy and support I experienced. When away with my Mum, I have to… read more

A myALZteam Member said:

Marlene Obrien, yes our lives sound very similiar. I do see a therapist at least once a month which sometimes is helpful. but there are days I think I cant go on, just feel like crying. Its like taking care of a 3 years old except sometimes you can reason with a child. Sundown is the worse. Hugs to you.

posted about 4 years ago
A myALZteam Member said:

I really feel for you I am in the same position I'm am the carer for my husband totally on my own 24hrs 7days a wk from 1yr to the next...I am so stressed as family do not want to know it's the disease that people run away from , my family deal with cancer better I myself have had cancer at the start of Ray's illness , I wish I was more tolerant but dealing with this on my own is devastating a very lonley life ..if it's only once a year just accept when you arrive home you have helped your dad , he has this stress continuously, I wish I had someone to help , you are doing a great job ...I find it hard that this is my life everyday on good days I'm grateful but when tired I get so frustrated I could walk away but then I feel so sad , if he was left with a stranger it would be like leaving a child behind and walking away, what can we do lots love xxxxx

posted over 4 years ago
A myALZteam Member said:

SO endearing and yet sad how we try so hard to help our loved ones. I feel so exhausted and that there is no end in sight. I always get worried if we have to be gone overnight as my husband, 64, does not do well in strange situations at night. Last year we went on a short vacation and he had an anxiety attack with shortness of breath and inability to settle down. In desperation I gave him some CBD oil I had brought in case of an emergency anxiety event, and turned on a night light which is red. Within 10 minutes he was sleeping well and acted normal the next morning. I believe that the light removed anxiety of not knowing where he was and the CBD oil is excellent at removing anxiety.

posted almost 3 years ago
A myALZteam Member said:

Alison and Marlene..... I care for my Mom (live with her too) but I have been blessed with wonderful & thoughtful brothers. I get some respite which I am grateful for. You both should contact ALZ Society in your area and see what can be done. Lots of people volunteer for things....perhaps there is someone waiting on the sidelines for your call.I will be sending out prayers that someone steps up somehow to help you both. I know how hard you are working! -Sharon

posted over 4 years ago
A myALZteam Member said:

@A myALZteam Member Perhaps your hubby looks at this as a minivacation for both of you too... and just would like you to change your approach to make it more "relaxed" and less "regimented". I totally understand your view and how caregiveing can be all-incompassing for us. I think too you are mourning the loss of your Mom as you know her, and need to accept the new "Normal" for Mom. That is very hard to do especially when only visiting once a year.

When time for drinks / pills make it a rest period/social time for you all... "Lets all have a snack and lemonade" "How about take those pills right now with your tea, Mom". Perhaps he sees you almost standing over her to get the pills out of the way. Make things more about routine rather than timing. I always look at my Mom having her pills within an hour either way of when due a goal rather than exact timing. It makes for not having to worry as to fitting them into our routine when we will be out and about.

Certainly there is lots of "lost" items. But the best way I have found is to establish the routine. "Mom we will keep your purse next to mine, so we know where it is." Yes, Mom forgets her oat and purse and glasses. I do a check before we leave and offer to carry something or get her to collect her things so we can leave. We have a place on the ounter where we gather what we need for the next part of the day, or where I put things that may be in in usual place... so no looking later.

I think hubby is just trying to tell you that he wants you to relax. He sees the grief of your daughter and the grief and worry over the Mom you grew up with. Your lack of sleep has not helped. Sounds like the short term memory is pretty well gone, so yes it can be harder on our nerves. You can ask her the questions and let her tell you the stories and so the 1 minute between questions is not as grating. Try cards and jokes and stories of the kids. and let her tell you how she saw life as she was raising you. My Mom reads and does puzzles like word search and suduko.

Kudos to you for giving your Dad some rest from his cargiving. And I bet you value the time spent with Mom. You are on the right track.... just make it a bit more laid back and perhaps let hubby take on some of the responibility of keeping her occupied too. Husbands like to share with thier spouse! Hugs -Sharon

posted over 4 years ago
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