A myALZteam Member
Any advice? My Dad is in mid stages (some say late). Good/Bad days. He still knows all his "people" for the most part, but obviously, is worsening with time. He is (was) extremely intelligent, and thus, his diagnosis is different, in that he is fighting this with all his being. He most times forgets (hello!) that he has Alz, and does not know what he even ate for breakfast a few minutes after he has eaten. We moved my parents (Mom legally blind with MD--but mentally great--she has orders to "cry uncle" when it's too much) to an age-in-place facility local to me, and it's a beautiful place, Mom has made friends, and loves it. Dad is depressed (won't even CONSIDER going to a therapist--he would never have done that years ago, either), and is totally in denial about his diagnosis. He does not believe he has a problem at all. He wants to know when he will get his car/checkbook/house back, and insists that we go now. Luckily he has lost all sense of time, and has no idea that he has been here for nearly 2 years. He thinks it's been months.... But he is fighting me on EVERYTHING. From doctors appointments to "going home" to "why do we need your help with anything?" He was in the hospital 3 times in one month in June for various reasons, and he has no recollection at all. I try to use this as an explanation as to why he needs help, and how forgetful he is (I try to remind him that we are a TEAM, why would I make this stuff up?), but he won't have any of it. He gets infuriated, and I need to leave his house, because it's so upsetting. I come back the next day, and he has no recollection at all of our "discussion" Sorry so long-winded. Any advice as to how we "get this into his head" that he is where he needs to be now, and needs to accept when his "people" tell him he is forgetting things. He does not believe us at all. We are all "working against him". I'm sure there's no advice out there, but thought I'd try...
Also experiencing those issues, especially with bill paying. Ive learned till deal with the temper tantrums about everything except bathing because I can't just say..." ok well deal with that another time" (which I do when the conversations get heated)... the doctor has actually threatened her with social services and forcing her into a nursing home if she keeps refusing to believe and cooperate with me, but what good is a threat she doesn't remember
Thank you everyone... I'm sad to say that Dad has passed away, it happened earlier this year. He's in a much much better place now, as is the rest of the family. It's very hard to wrap our heads around it all, this horrible disease is relentless. But he's with his Mom & Dad now, whom he talked about very much for the last 6 months of his life. Thanks again everyone, good luck with your own families.
Stuborn Dad, I feel your pain of having both parents in need. I'm glad to hear your mom is doing well at her new place. You sound exhausted dealing with your dad. I hope you can get help so you can get a break. Taking him during the day to an adult daycare or having someone stay with him for awhile so you can leave. Take care of you
I would call the drs office and let the nurse know that he has problems, but you do not want him to know you have called. They will know how to handle the situation. See if they will do a simple cognitive test right there in the office next time he goes.
For what it's worth... Before my Dad was officially diagnosed, I called his primary care doctor. I told him that I wasn't looking for any confidential information on my Dad. Rather, I gently suggested that during his next physical (or well visit) he recommend or perform some sort of minor, non-invasive, cognitive test as a part of his regular appointment. I told him that the family had much reason to believe there may be something more going on than just plain old-age loss of memory. The doctor appreciated that we did not ask for any information on Dad. There was no pressure, just helpful information for the doctor to know in advance of Dad's regular appointment.
I have no doubts about my husband having some kind of dementia. He refuses telling his Doctor that he is having problems. He said I wasn’t allowed to tell the Doctor. I walk on eggshells all of the time. Should I just leave it in God’s hands?
Thankyou for your reply. I appreciate your words.
We seem to have a bit in common. She sounds like she is still somewhat independent, but I feel like you are thinking in the right direction. Unfortunately it's easier and smarter to be PRO-active, instead of reactive with this stuff. I found that it took quite a bit of research (both on-line, and in person) to find the right living arrangements, including costs, location, and services. (I contacted "A Place for Mom" which directed me to a local person who took very general info, and let me know what living arrangements were available in my requested area). I did manage to get Dad (and Mom) to an "age in place" facility that is close to me. I am able to go there every day, or as often as needed, in order to do shopping, laundry, and just checking in, in general. Good luck to you. You are most definitely NOT a monster for trying to be responsible about this horrible set of circumstances. Even if you don't move her right away, if you have gathered all the information needed, you can continue to convince the family it's the right thing to do. Good luck!
I don't know what advice to give you, because this is what is happening with my mum and I am in the same boat as you. Mum lives on her own, eats breakfast because it seems to be an ingrained routine, but not much else. She says she can look after herself, but isn't showering, and usually wears the same clothes everyday. her house is quite tidy and she makes her bed everyday. She has a caregiver come in for medication oversight, because she forget to take her pills. My family think I am a monster for considering residential care. What To Do? Oh. And I handle the finances, because she can't used and ATM anymore.