Hi Irene, its a complex question. At a simple level, you are right. Its a result of the illness. The front part of our brain (just behind our forehead) controls a lot of function including our ability to show empathy and to be selfless or unselfish (altruism). It would seem that’s an area of your pop’s brain that has been severely affected so far. Other things you might see in his symptoms could be difficulty manipulating implements like a knife and fork or tools. Impulsiveness and an inability to reason or solve problems. All those things are managed and done in the frontal lobe of the brain.
But the other part of the equation is your mom’s emotional security. Its likely that pop is pressing her triggers. People with dementia are a strange mix of immense disability and yet at the same time show an amazing ability to know just how to wind us up. Its a form of communication we all use sometimes to let others know how bad we feel. We try our best to make others feel like we do.....hurting, lonely, sad, frightened....whatever it is that we are trying to show. Babies are masters at it - getting us to fill their needs by making us feel bad. We never lose the skill !!!
So, this is a long way of saying your mom can use her feelings of hurt to get insight into how pop is feeling and give him what she needs (compassion, reassurance, security, love). Its not easy but it works. For your mom to GET what she needs, she has to GIVE it first. Not all of us are that forgiving and generous.
When pop is doing his worst, your mom’s response has to be something like
“I know this disease is awful for you and there is so much that you aren’t able to cope with. But we’re here together to fight this. Tell me, what are you feeling right now? How can I help?”
His response may be initially continuing rudeness but she needs to stay the course, he’ll give in eventually and respond with his real emotion behind the anger or rudeness. Most likely fear and sadness mixed with lots of tears. I hope this helps.

What worked for me when my Gene said hateful and unkind things was to embrace him and pray to God that I knew he did not understand or realize the things he was saying were so hurtful it was the sinful disease. That God loved him and me and he only wanted love in our hearts. Quietly and calmly. Pray as long as necessary until you can feel the calm in him return. God bless you and yours.

My mom is a master manipulator and has this terrible disease. She is in a memory center now and continues to blame me for not wanting her. While she kept asking why she couldn't go home during our visit last night she cried and pleaded and said I just didn't know how awful she felt. I calmly told her that I thought of that often and agreed that I probably didn't know just how awful she feels. But I was quick to tell her that I also was going through this disease because I love her and hate to see her in pain. I told her I didn't think that she knew how much worse she was making it on me through her actions. She said she didn't mean to and I told her I know that she can't help it. But right now, you know so please calm down and lets have a good visit and we did.
I know that won't work every time but maybe just talking it through will help sometimes. Best to you.

When he says hurtful things at that time you or your mom go to him and quietly pray for him. " Dear God I (we) know this is not what you would have .......say. Please God help him see that You love him and so do we. We are doing the best we can and please help him and us have an "attitude of gratitude". Thank you Jesus.". A quiet response diverts from his aggressive thoughts to your loving ones. God bless you and yours.

Hi Irene... I feel you, girl. I’m helping to take care of my dad, and he is a constant, seething ball of bitterness, who directs all his anger straight at me and my mom. I have a background in psychology and psychiatry, and despite all the book smarts, in actuality, all strategies are out the window with my dad.

What we’ve found helps for me and my mom is to constantly remind each other that this is the disease, and it sucks for all involved. We find taking some time (away from dad, of course) to vent to each other helps. Usually when we walk - helps to blow off steam and calories, win-win. :) No one is going to understand what your mom is going through better than you, so just listen... and let her talk... and tell her what an awesome job she’s doing. Tell yourself that too. :)