About 5 years ago, my brothers and I sat down with Mom to discuss the behaviors we noticed and our concern. We asked her what her plan of what she would want if she could not live by herself anymore. Mom said she wanted to live with me, for me to take care of her and to make decisions for her. Largely, that is because I am her only living daughter. I promised her I would, even bought a house with a mother-in-law suite. My little brother moved in for about a year, which postponed her move a bit.… read more
Oh Dawn- I am so sorry that you are struggling so much with your completely reasonable and understandable decision. I am also my Mom’s caregiver and though I haven’t had to make the same decision, I know that one of the hardest things about this disease is when you have to start making the big decisions without the input from your loved one. I know from the relationship you describe with your Mom, the fact that she would choose you to take care of her and that she was aware at the time of the decisions and preparations that you were making to care for her, that she would understand if those plans had to change. There is no way you could foresee that she would break her hip or that your pain issues wouldn’t be managable while you were taking care of her. She loves you and would want you to make the best decisions for her care, even when that means that she can’t be in your home. She isn’t telling you she wants to go home because she is trying to guilt you - bluntly (but with care) your mother’s brain is damaged and the anxiety and fear she is feeling is being fixated on a delusion that she is in a hospital and will be able to home. If she was able to be reasonable, you would not need to make decisions for her. The best that you can do is love her, advocate for her and live the best that you can in the life you have. Sending you so many hugs and lots of support and the most reassurance I can give you that you are doing the best thing for both of you. ❤️
Dawn, you are a good daughter, and you are doing the best you can. When you promised to take care of your mother, you had no idea of what life had in store for you, and for her. I am glad the social worker helped you understand that nursing home placement is best for your mother, and for you. You have not failed, and you will continue to make sure your mother has the best care possible.
Dawn, your first two sentences tell me you and your family are a unit that “does the right thing”. Taking your mom, with all her needs, into your home as things have evolved for both of you over the past 5 years could never be “the right thing.” The social worker brought to your attention something that I firmly believe - the care home decision is one that must be taken with balanced consideration of the interests of all parties affected. There’s no point in telling you to not feel guilty, you will feel as you feel. What I can tell you is that I believe you have behaved honourably and reasonably throughout as a loving daughter might and that where you have ended up is the best outcome for you and your mom given your situations. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out as we might wish.
Sounds like the social worker recognized that your mother needed the care you were unable to give, which is not your fault. You got her into the nursing home which felt was best, and she is being well taken care of. You need to take care of yourself too....take a breath and be gentle with yourself...it is such a difficult journey ....hugs
We had to make that difficult decision two weeks ago for my mom too. We felt guilt, sadness, confusion....I asked myself "what would mom do?" and I know we made the best choice or at least we have the best intentions and that's really what matters. Your mom, like mine, can't reason and understand the situation you're in. If she wasn't sick, she would've made the same decision. Hope that helps! Praying for you and your mom!